


Cutting Myself Away

by jas0pap3r



Series: Nothing Without You (Ongniel One Shots) ANGST [2]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Anorexia, M/M, Ongniel is in here but its not important to the story, PLS THIS IS A MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 18:58:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12777399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jas0pap3r/pseuds/jas0pap3r
Summary: Seongwoo just wants to be perfect.What's wrong with that?





	Cutting Myself Away

63 KG

When Ong Seongwoo saw his new weight measurement, his first reaction was a flinch.

Yes, he knew that he’d been drinking a little bit and that they've been taking a break from all their concerts for a couple of days, but that weight gain was completely unexpected. 

A tutting emerged from the back as the manager rapped his painful knuckles on Seongwoo’s hips. “Ong Seongwoo! I knew something like this would happen.” There was no anger or disappointment in the voice, just slight reproach. Yet Seongwoo felt something pang intensely inside of him.

“Don’t worry, manager. I’ll get back to 60kg in a month, I promise!” Seongwoo felt the words slip from his mouth, and for a moment Seongwoo wondered just why he’d wanted to get into Wanna One.

Then the reason why popped his head into the room. 

“Hyung?” 

Kang Daniel poked his head into the room, his hair mussed up by sleep. “Hyung, what are you doing?” 

Seongwoo blushed and stumbled off the scale. At the back, the oblivious manager said, “Oh, just checking up on how fat your boyfriend is.”

An intense pain. Seongwoo felt something smashing inside of him. And maybe it was because of that, but that night, when Daniel had stumbled back into bed without Seongwoo, Seongwoo had walked slowly to the bathroom and retched his insides out.

 

60 KG

Five days.

Quite honestly, Seongwoo felt terrible. Miserable with hunger pangs and a burning throat. 

But he’d done what he said he would do in a month within a week. And seeing the surprised expression on the manager’s face was worth it.

The manager stared at the number for a long, long time. Then he spoke up. “Seongwoo-ah.”

The voice is tremulous, and Seongwoo knows right then that something has happened, something that will shake his world.

“Seongwoo, the agency that wanted you for a model?” A bulging throat as the manager swallowed nervously. “They said that they won’t take you because your cheekbones-”

Seongwoo stopped listening after that.

And the next morning, when everyone went out to get some bibimbap, Seongwoo locked himself in a practice room and danced with tears running down his face. He kept dancing, even though the dull pains in his stomach sharpened into panting and groaning and screaming. And finally, when he was almost driven insane by hunger and thirst, Seongwoo allowed himself to drink a mouthful of water.

No one questioned Seongwoo’s day-long dance practice session. Or the fact that he didn’t eat anything afterward. Or the fact that Ong Seongwoo, the person who always extended his hand for the first chicken drumstick, quietly excused himself and dashed into the bathroom.

No one, except Daniel.

“Hyung?” Daniel whispered to Seongwoo’s shaking back as they laid together in bed. Daniel had found Seongwoo crying, stifling his sobs by biting hard into his arm.

When Seongwoo finally fell asleep, Daniel held on tight to Seongwoo. He felt the hunger trembleng through Seongwoo, could feel the way Seongwoo was shaking from it.

“Hyung, please don’t do this.”

A quietness filled the air.

“Please.”

 

54KG

Not enough.

When Seongwoo had seen his naked torso in the bathroom mirror, he saw a stupid, ugly, disgusting - 

Seongwoo started crying, and the monster in the mirror started sniffling as well.

Seongwoo hoped the shower drowned out the sounds of the sobs. 

It’s been two weeks. Two weeks since the manager told him that the modeling company thought he was too fat. The hunger pangs had become less painful by now, and whenever they started burning too painfully Seongwoo drank a bottle of water. The excess weight from drinking and eating ramen had been burnt away, and what did it reveal? More layers of garbage, more layers of fat.

Seongwoo still practiced from the break of dawn to hours after midnight, making sure that each of his moves were perfect. Beautiful. 

Everybody told him that his moves were already amazing. Daniel had witnessed his dancing, and he’d started crying, telling him that he was beautiful already, that he should come back to the Wanna One members. Eat together again.

They said that he was alright.

They weren’t. 

They would never be. 

How could they be, when he himself was so ugly, so undeserving?

Seongwoo thought again of his boyfriend, Daniel Kang. Daniel Kang, who was so kind and so sweet, whose smile could make his day turn around. Daniel, who made him moan and thrash and plead like no other. Daniel, who was beautiful. Deserving.

“What am I, compared to him?” Seongwoo whispered at the mirror.

“What am I?”

A pair of haunted eyes and hollowed cheeks stared back at him. The lips are chapped, and For a brief moment Seongwoo sees that he is draining the color from himself.

But Seongwoo also knew that it was necessary. Necessary to drain the fat and ugliness away from his body if he wanted to be beautiful again.

Then, Seongwoo promised to his disgusting reflection, I will stop. I will fill myself up again, but I’ll do it the right way and I’ll be beautiful.

“I’ll stop.” Seongwoo vowed to himself.

He would never stop.

 

53KG

Seongwoo started cutting himself the following night.

At first it’s a mistake. Seongwoo was taking out his razor when his hand slipped and the razor slipped across his forearm, making a slight cut.

And Seongwoo felt, for a single moment, absolutely euphoric. Pure.

So Seongwoo bought a packet of larger razors the following day, and at night he sneaked into the bathroom and cut himself a little deeper on his arms. His thighs. His-

He stopped at his wrists, and his mind reeled at the number of wounds on his body. Hurriedly, Seongwoo brought out a roll of bandages and started treating himself.

I’m gonna stop, he vowed. I’m not gonna cut myself, and I’ll only get rid of my fat.

But Seongwoo couldn’t stop. He stopped cutting himself in so many places after that, but everyday, after a grueling practice, Seongwoo would drag himself to the bathroom. He would observe the beads of scarlet falling from his arms, following the razor blade.

Seongwoo felt, for the first time in his life, whole.

 

46KG

Out of everyone in Wanna One, Seongwoo would not have expected Park Jihoon to have noticed.

But Jihoon had noticed first, had seen how Seongwoo had taken to wearing overly-large shirts and long-sleeved sweaters all of a sudden, had noticed how Seongwoo stifled a scream each time someone gripped him on his arm and shoulder.

He’d noticed how the pants that used to be too small for Seongwoo were now too large. He noticed how despite Seongwoo’s daily practices, Seongwoo seemed to grow tired faster than before.

Seongwoo should have been more careful. But it’s too late.

Jihoon had figured it all out, and the next day he’d asked Seongwoo if everything was alright, if he’d been eating properly, that he should take some time off-

“Fuck off.”

Seongwoo had snarled the curse, pushed Jihoon away. And Jihoon didn’t look surprised, or hurt, or even angry. 

He backed away, his face a mixture of emotions that Seongwoo couldn’t read.

That night, Seongwoo threw out his razors. 

He hadn’t been careful enough. He was stupid, a loser for letting someone like Park Jihoon stop him from purification. 

Seongwoo needed the bad things out of him faster. He knew it was still in there, somewhere far beneath his skin, far inside his heart.

Seongwoo would never stop. Not until the weight on the scale became a beautiful, round zero.

That night, Daniel didn’t make love to Seongwoo. Seongwoo had fallen asleep the moment he hit the bed, and Daniel was far too oblivious.

 

43KG

Everyone in Wanna One knew now.

Everyone except his boyfriend.

Woojin, or Guanlin, or Jinyoung, or Minhyun, would stop Seongwoo on his way to the bathroom, and he would stare at him with concerned eyes, and Seongwoo always pushed them all away.

How dare they stopped him from being clean? Seongwoo could feel that dirty thing clawing out of him now, could feel it seething. That meant that he just need to lose a few more kilograms, just a few more kilograms and the black thing would slip out of his chest and drop on to the floor and bleed away.

Then he would stop.

Wouldn’t he?

 

41KG

Just a little more.

 

40.2KG

Just a little more.

 

38.5KG

Just a little.

 

38KG

Seongwoo had been dancing with his teammates when the thing inside his chest had attacked. 

At first his head had pounded lightly, and Seongwoo ignored it.

Then the lights became too bright, the world shook, and for a moment Seongwoo felt the black thing eating his soul.

Seongwoo fainted.

When he came to, he was in a hospital bed. He felt… strange. Disconnected. 

Daniel was next to him. 

He was…

“Crying?”

Seongwoo’s voice sounds reedy, weak, and for the first time Seongwoo realizes how much of his depth he’s lost.

Seongwoo felt the black thing clawing under his skin.

_‘If you just removed the IV bag from your arm,’_ his brain screamed. ‘ _Just take it out and it will come out of you. I promise. Just this one last thing, and then you can eat whatever you want.’_

_Whatever you want._

Seongwoo screamed, and with a single, clean move, he ripped out the IV needle.

And plunged it into his eye.

The black thing erupted outward in great spurts, and Seongwoo, for a pure, unadulterated moment, knew that everything was going to be alright.

Then another needle in his skin.

Seongwoo felt himself slipping into darkness. 

Quiet.

 

***********

 

38 KG

 

When Seongwoo came to again, he knew that something was off.

The black thing was no longer there. But it had claimed something that was his.

Seongwoo waved his hand in front of his right eye. He saw nothing but darkness.

“What?”

A rustle around him as the 10 other members awoke from their light sleeps.

“HYUNG!”

A sob.

And Seongwoo realized what he’d done.

He screamed so loud his throat bled. 


End file.
